Thought Storm

I want to go back

2009-02-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

I want to go back...

To when i'd look at you looking at me
To when awkward silences were filled with shy smiles
To when i cant hold your gaze for more than 3 seconds b4 breaking into a goofy grin
To when a stutter is followed by nervous giggles
To when im scared youll hear my heart beating out of its chest at the sight of you
To when id raise the radio vol to MAX when a cheeesy love song comes on
To when my hands would tremble to pick up your early morning, afternoon and late night calls
To when id smile for no reason at all other than the memory of you saying something.. anything
To when id look at you looking at her
To when awkward silences were just filled with awkward
To when i cant bear to hold your cold empty stare
To when a stutter is slipped in the middle of an argument
To when i am angered just by the sight of you
To when i would try to WILL my phone to ring.. just once
To when id smile at smiling for no reason other than the memory of.. US

Leaving... Indefintely

2009-01-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

I always congratulated myself for having the ability to travel light. I don’t know how I always managed to cram the most basic necessities for the following 2 or 3 weeks in one small bag, but I was good at packing. I had the “packing-light-mojo”.

Today I sat frustrated and angry. I was furious and at moments, close to tears. My plane was 6 hours away and my suitcase sat open and empty. Through clenched teeth, fists and stomping feet, I glanced at my suitcase repeatedly like it was speaking back to me in Portuguese. How was I going to fit ALL that ..(‘ALL that’ refers to everything I own and bought for the past 2 years and accumulated on my shelves or inside the closet) .. In this suitcase?

What was so different this time than any other time I traveled? Why was I so paranoid about not leaving anything behind?

It suddenly hit me. Every time I left I had something (and someone) to come back to/for. I always looked forward to coming back and as much as I adored traveling, I’d avoid an opportunities to do so.
This time am leaving and I got no strings attached. Nothing to look forward to when I returned. I was trying to walk away…and not turn around for second thoughts.
‘Abandoning’ my precious junk, spreads a desperate feeling of loneliness and insecurity within me. Probably sounds silly and I must sound completely insane right now; but I felt insecure. Without ALL my junk, crap, stuff, things… whatever u wanna name it; I felt naked.
Materialistic? Hmm..
I never left anyone behind and never would. I always put the people I care about first. So in a way, leaving my stuff behind was abandoning someone I’ve become in the last 2 years of my life.
I should be in the airport in 4 hours… and I remain unpacked and unprepared….

Returning the Wedding Dress...

2009-01-12T14:16:00.000-08:00

She pushed the wooden carved door to the boutique, slightly startled from the bells tinkle above her head. Its funny, she always did, despite the numerous times she entered the chic yet small boutique for bridal gowns.

Flashbacks kept coming back to her like brief waves of nostalgia. She struggled behind her emotionless mask she wore on her face. Under this strong exterior, manicured hands, and posture… she was broken, screaming, trapped and desperate. Almost lost in her own soul. She recalled the first time she came into the store, and her breath taken by the vast sea of white, ivory and sparkle of shiny and soft fabric. She blushed that moment, and felt a hot rush crawl up her neck. The day was close. HER day.. That she was to be the spotlight. The bride.

She approached the big energetic girl on the front desk that had become a close confidante over her many visits, and placed the heavy package on the counter slowly like a fragile crystal case that was bound to shatter. She cringed when “P” turned around and smiled somewhat apologetically and lowered her eyes with sympathy. Yes, it was the sympathy that kept her indoors, made her avoid the eyes of the curious people who whispered about her heartbreak, who spent their time keeping their mouths busy with gossip. Unwanted sympathy, gossip and shame kept her hidden. Like a bitten wounded puppy she cowered away.

The feeling is always there. It never goes away. She still cry’s when she goes into places where they used to go. She broke down when she smelled his familiar aftershave on a passing stranger. She wept silently while she clutched her chest tightly in the dark lonely nights. She lived her life, expecting him to walk through her door each day, put his arms around her petite waist and tell her he’s sorry.

Is she weak for waiting for him to come back? Expecting him to miss her like she does? Or stupid for being so blind? Its pathetic... How can you still love someone so much even after they've hurt you, broke their promise to you then abondoned you? Left you out in the cold?
The diamond ring was still on her right hand finger. Well, Of course it is. She just thought of returning the wedding dress today. What, was she expected to delete his number from her cell phone and remove their photo together from the frame on her dresser as well?? She'd pretend she didn't hear it if someone mentioned anything... and on one occassion, she laughed hysterically.

Was it her fault she fell for him and paved her future for him? And believed him when he promised to "never let go"...?
Can she move on, forget, and love again?

2009-01-11T13:55:00.000-08:00

I stepped inside the hospital at 8a.m. as instructed. It was empty and cold. Not a soul.. nobody behind the counter or in the waiting area. And I always thought hospitals are one of those crowded-never-sleeps places...
Why was I told to come so early then? oh yeah.. something about people who come first do the surgery first and get to leave sooner and get on with their life.

At 10a.m. when a nurse finally appeared yawning, she takes me to a small room with a single bed and broken TV (you'd think as a specialist eye hospital, they'd have radio's instead of TV's for their patients !) She hands me a gown to wear and starts looking for a vein to insert a canula in. The whole time I was shaking and couldn't sit down from nervousness. 3 hours later, am biting my nails and almost in tears and still... no surgery. I had a canula in one hand and some kinda "dye" injected in the other so "the doctor can see the blood vessels in ur eye during surgery" as the nurse put it.

At 3.30pm, I was fuming and snapping at everything and everyone, even my own family members. I strided out to the nurses station in my gown and bare feet and demanded that I have the surgery.... this was the response:
"Ohhh.. u're still here? we forgot all about u!! The doctor is not coming in today. He called and postponed his surgeries for next week...."

Angry was an understatement to describe what I felt that moment. Yet I couldn't help being relieved for a moment. On my way home, I laughed at those words that rang through my ears for a whole week, "Surgery... ASAP... risk blindness.."

The following week, The same scenario is repeated, except that no nurse came in to look for any veins in my arms coz the doctor doesn't need any dye to be injected etc.
I was seated on a round leather chair (wearing my own warm clothes, no gown!) in a dark room, facing a machine that looked like a camera from where I was sitting. After applying 3 eyedrops in my eyes, which all stung, a gel was squirted onto a lens which the doctor stuck on my eye. I saw a white light with a red dot in the middle. "zeeoooooooo" A fire was lit on my skull and an excruciating pain shot through my eyes to my teeth, zoomed past my forehead and settled somewhere at the back of my brain. And I heard a loud scream and a swear word. It turned out to be me. The doctor kept saying silly things like, "Hey, that was only one shot, am aiming for at least 1500, and stop being such a cry baby the laser is painless..."
"HOWA EH DAH ELY PAINLESS?? Don't SPEAK to me about pain!! How would U know? U come sit in this seat and I'll point that laser at ur eyes and shoot and then u can speak to me about pain !! 2al painless... "

Forgive me I will not publish here the exact conversation and my remarks to the doctor because it will be... just too rude. I wasn't myself. The pain was unbearable and that's all I can say.

I had to return the following week to "finish" what was started, because I couldn't take any more "laser shots" that day. The 2nd time I was more prepared and dug my nails deep into the nurses hand that held mine.

I hope no one goes through this pain or goes through any Egyptian healthcare facility. EVER

Ta7t el Yasmina...

2009-01-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

تحت الياسمينة

في الليل......نسمة والورد محاذيني الأغصان عليا تــــميل......تمسحلي في دمعة عيني

*** تحت الياسمينة اتكيت ......عدلت الـــعود وغنيت وتناطر دمعي وبكيت......تفكرتك كيف كنت تجيني

*** جنينة مزينها النوار......فاحت من ريحت الأزهار تفكرتك شعــــلت النار......عملت لهليبة في كنيني

*** تحت الياسمينة

Just another reason to hate doctors even more...

2009-01-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

I hate doctors. I despise them. Almost got married to one. But even before we met and during our 2 year relationship/brief engagement, I never failed to express how much I hate doctors. They never have something good to say, and no matter how good (or absolutley depressed) u felt when u first walked into the office or clinic; u'll always leave on the verge of tears, considering suicide as an easier option, thinking about ur will or all of the above combined.

2 weeks ago, I reluctantly dragged my legs from where I live to the optic clinic 200 m away. I needed a new prescription for my specs because things were kinda... fuzzy. Or so i thought.
After waiting for an hour and 20 mins (thats typical in Egypt) the nurse finally ushered me into the tiny office with the black leather chair facing the board marked "E". She shut the door behind her and left me alone with a beaming tall white-coated man who seemed to have plastered his smile on his round face. Is it irnoic that every eye doctor I see wears glasses? Well... to keep a long story short... After several minutes of flashing lights, silly questions about my psychological state (and my sanity) and a little hesitation ... He fianlly said cheerfully,
"Okay, so here's the thing.... (Gave me alot of medical jibberish...)"
"Eh?? bil 3araby ya3ny eh? (in arabic plzz..)"
" *cough* Well... u don't need new glasses, u have a blood vessel called an ARTERY, at the back of ur eye called RETINA, thats bleeding and abnormal vessels have grown instead which makes u see blurry images and sometimes dark black spots, this is easily fixed with a laser surgery when discovered before u actually reach the blindness stage, coz once u r blind its uncurable, unfixable, irreversible...and..."
"NA3AM?! blind? did u just say blind? who's gonna be blind? no u don't understand, I just need NEW glasses! a prescription... begad thats all!" I was laughing nervously and fighting the stinging tears, and trying to get out of the chair and make a run for it...
"Yes, you will be blind in 2 months, because u seemed to be in the late stages of this condition, so the surgery must be done ASAP.. of course u'll have to go through a series of tests, and MRI's so we can have a better....."
At this point I just switched off and watched his lips move as he spoke with the smile still plastered... and of course, my imagination started to picture my life as a blind young woman, how will I ever draw or paint again? How will I depend on others for everything I do, what life will I have? Will suicide be a temptation for me once AGAIN?

So I ended up with potential blindness instead of changing my specs (which I hoped would be Channel this time since my father is paying)... I arrived home in shock and kept this information for myself for 3 days before telling my family who started to think I enjoyed walking around bumping into things accidently...
My vision got worse, and they hurt when I cried (I did that alot because I had just been dumped by my doctor-fiance) and watching TV was aching, reading was impossible and going online could be a little dazing but I still did because its all I had left to do. I quit my job and stayed home waiting for the 7 days to pass quickly before the day of the surgery....

2009-01-01T15:34:00.000-08:00

2008:

I bid you farewell…
You started out fine and ended in the worst possible ways I could’ve imagined, when I asked myself “could things get any worse?” they just did.
2008, I welcomed u while I was asleep. It was a cold winter and I had no place to be except under the warm covers of my bed.
My birthday in late March was one of a kind, and was the last happy memory in you. Everything that followed, caused nothing but pain, loss and regret.

Bad news was your best friend my dear 2008 while hopes and dreams were buried in your graveyard.
I doubted myself and questioned my being while you insisted that your best friend keeps visiting me.
The pain I endured was unbearable and one that had left me weak… so weak I couldn’t even see whats right from wrong. Or tell a friend from foe. I was like a bent old woman who held on to her walking stick while clutching her back, her wrinkled eyes shut with pain, while the fire within burnt her alive as she slowly crawled into a pit... (sigh!)
Goodbye 2008 and I promise to remember the good times, the laughter and sweet joyful heart leaps that my heart usually danced…
Farewell

The battle

2009-01-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

The battle

Everyday people get up and start their daily routine. This routine varies from one to another but nevertheless hopes and dreams are always set and the individual will strive towards it with all their might. Never mind their intention of this goal, whether it was for an evil purpose or good-willed. But in these many people there is bound to be the odd one out with a broken heart or a difficulty that’s an obstacle in the way, not necessarily stopping, but delaying this person from their purpose in life.

My battle was with life. My battle to get up and start my daily routine like all people. It was difficult to get up and start the day knowing that my every dream had come to a halt. I lost all ability to look forward onto life or even carry on living. For many days and nights I lay in bed, oblivious to my surroundings, wondering what’s keeping me so long in a place I didn’t want to be in… a place where I had no dream or vision.
I had my eyes shut and counted my fainting heart beats then slowly opened my eyelids just to stare into an empty space and start counting how many breathes I took.

2008-12-28T15:40:00.000-08:00

Adversity is like a strong wind. I don't mean that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go, It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be. One woman for example, suffered the death of her husband during a war and afterward poured herself into 2 things: caring for her little boy and sewing which provided her with income. She seemed to live for nothing else. When she grew thinnner and thinner, you knew where every gram of her was going. She clutched at that child as though he were the cliff's edge that kept her from falling to the rocks below.Because I'd lived through adversity once before, what I learned about myself was like a reminder of something I'd once known but had nearly forgotten- namely, beneath the elegant clothing, and the accomplishments, and the clever conversation, my life had no complexity at all, but was as simple as a stone falling toward the ground. My whole purpose in everything during the past 7 years had been to win someone's turst and possibly-if I could- their affection. Then I came to a realization, more painful in some ways than actual physical pain I once endured. I'd spent the previous night nursing a troubling thought, wondering for the first time what might happen if I reached the end of my life and still this person had never taken any notice of my efforts to strengthen this mother-nature "bond" that's meant to be shared between us. I looked for some sign-any sign- in the hopes of finding something to give me hope that I haven't lived my life without purpose. I was feeling so dejected. I was soo pre-occupied with the search of the "sign" that I almost got run down by a truck the next morning. From this experience I understood the danger of focusing only on what isn't there. What if I came to the end of my life and realized that I'd spent every day watching for the smallest gesture of care toawrds me that would never come to me?? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen the places I'd been, because I thought of nothing but this person even when my life was drifting away from me, what life would I have?I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give.

Seduction

2008-12-28T09:34:00.000-08:00

Seduction

It will look you in the eye. Stare you down till you’re weak and all your strengths and powers are worthless emotions against this magnetizing, mesmerizing… seduction. How can I stand here, so close so near and yet do nothing? I was falling into love. Seduced. It lured me in, like a fish reeled in by a rod or a bird’s eye caught onto a distant shining sparkle. The soothing burst of color so exquisite all around it, reminding me of every rich piece of heaven I once felt with it. It reminded me of our affair and the unforgettable happiness that lifted me to the skies every time I touched it, of how I couldn’t bear to live moments without it… before I started calling out its name and I quickly found myself coming back to it again… And again. It seduced me. Same like its seducing me now. Its texture; so rich, keeps me awake at night.
Sweet delights in every step closer I take towards it. Deep down with the thought that it’s mine, caught my breath away. My heart skipped a beat when its odor wrapped my senses with its vanilla enter twined with cherry flavors swirled and seduced me even more… Oh my soul is crying, am dying. Please help me. If only I could take one more… last bite. Seduced by it. Taken away to oblivion; a world where only my sweet cheesecake and I exist.
In the spur of the moment, with all sanity in me escaped from my mind, as if another person took over my actions… I dismiss every oath and promise I had once taken as quickly as I neglect every effort I made in the past to lose weight. I extended my hand towards the cold metal of the fork, I hold it tight and in seconds that seemed like eternity, my fork sinks into the cheesecake, smoothly separating_ not roughly cutting_ the textured, mouth-watering creamy cheese and doesn’t stop till it reaches the buttery layer of biscuit crust underneath. It all melts blissfully where they rightfully belong; Inside my mouth. My senses are seduced. As I eat my cheesecake. I am too, seduced.

2008-12-28T08:46:00.000-08:00

Leaving.
Going back to the land where all my memories were born, and seized to exist the day I left without looking back to avoid the tears that fled within me.
Finally I am returning. But not for good. I am going back to say my final goodbye. The farewell I never dared to bid before, I am going back to my unfinished busniess and unresolved issues.
Bittersweet goodbye.
I remember the day I arrived here, I slipped into shock like a cat slips into deep sleep for many hours under the sun. The culture shock absorbed me and robbed me from any happiness I might have enjoyed.Then I met him.
I go back to close a chapter in my life, that was once the whole book, not simply a chapter... My heart tears away, lost between thoughts; the love I have found that kept me alive in this land, and my nostalgia for the past thats full of God for-saken memories.Ironic how someone's memories for a certain past, can play such a small role. Yet be so painful as to take them away from pleasures of life.
Until I return... adios fellow bloggers.
Closure for my past begins...