I always congratulated myself for having the ability to travel light. I don’t know how I always managed to cram the most basic necessities for the following 2 or 3 weeks in one small bag, but I was good at packing. I had the “packing-light-mojo”.
Today I sat frustrated and angry. I was furious and at moments, close to tears. My plane was 6 hours away and my suitcase sat open and empty. Through clenched teeth, fists and stomping feet, I glanced at my suitcase repeatedly like it was speaking back to me in Portuguese. How was I going to fit ALL that ..(‘ALL that’ refers to everything I own and bought for the past 2 years and accumulated on my shelves or inside the closet) .. In this suitcase?
What was so different this time than any other time I traveled? Why was I so paranoid about not leaving anything behind?
It suddenly hit me. Every time I left I had something (and someone) to come back to/for. I always looked forward to coming back and as much as I adored traveling, I’d avoid an opportunities to do so.
This time am leaving and I got no strings attached. Nothing to look forward to when I returned. I was trying to walk away…and not turn around for second thoughts.
‘Abandoning’ my precious junk, spreads a desperate feeling of loneliness and insecurity within me. Probably sounds silly and I must sound completely insane right now; but I felt insecure. Without ALL my junk, crap, stuff, things… whatever u wanna name it; I felt naked.
Materialistic? Hmm..
I never left anyone behind and never would. I always put the people I care about first. So in a way, leaving my stuff behind was abandoning someone I’ve become in the last 2 years of my life.
I should be in the airport in 4 hours… and I remain unpacked and unprepared….
Monday, January 19, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Returning the Wedding Dress...
She pushed the wooden carved door to the boutique, slightly startled from the bells tinkle above her head. Its funny, she always did, despite the numerous times she entered the chic yet small boutique for bridal gowns.
Flashbacks kept coming back to her like brief waves of nostalgia. She struggled behind her emotionless mask she wore on her face. Under this strong exterior, manicured hands, and posture… she was broken, screaming, trapped and desperate. Almost lost in her own soul. She recalled the first time she came into the store, and her breath taken by the vast sea of white, ivory and sparkle of shiny and soft fabric. She blushed that moment, and felt a hot rush crawl up her neck. The day was close. HER day.. That she was to be the spotlight. The bride.
She approached the big energetic girl on the front desk that had become a close confidante over her many visits, and placed the heavy package on the counter slowly like a fragile crystal case that was bound to shatter. She cringed when “P” turned around and smiled somewhat apologetically and lowered her eyes with sympathy. Yes, it was the sympathy that kept her indoors, made her avoid the eyes of the curious people who whispered about her heartbreak, who spent their time keeping their mouths busy with gossip. Unwanted sympathy, gossip and shame kept her hidden. Like a bitten wounded puppy she cowered away.
The feeling is always there. It never goes away. She still cry’s when she goes into places where they used to go. She broke down when she smelled his familiar aftershave on a passing stranger. She wept silently while she clutched her chest tightly in the dark lonely nights. She lived her life, expecting him to walk through her door each day, put his arms around her petite waist and tell her he’s sorry.
Is she weak for waiting for him to come back? Expecting him to miss her like she does? Or stupid for being so blind? Its pathetic... How can you still love someone so much even after they've hurt you, broke their promise to you then abondoned you? Left you out in the cold?
The diamond ring was still on her right hand finger. Well, Of course it is. She just thought of returning the wedding dress today. What, was she expected to delete his number from her cell phone and remove their photo together from the frame on her dresser as well?? She'd pretend she didn't hear it if someone mentioned anything... and on one occassion, she laughed hysterically.
Was it her fault she fell for him and paved her future for him? And believed him when he promised to "never let go"...?
Can she move on, forget, and love again?
Flashbacks kept coming back to her like brief waves of nostalgia. She struggled behind her emotionless mask she wore on her face. Under this strong exterior, manicured hands, and posture… she was broken, screaming, trapped and desperate. Almost lost in her own soul. She recalled the first time she came into the store, and her breath taken by the vast sea of white, ivory and sparkle of shiny and soft fabric. She blushed that moment, and felt a hot rush crawl up her neck. The day was close. HER day.. That she was to be the spotlight. The bride.
She approached the big energetic girl on the front desk that had become a close confidante over her many visits, and placed the heavy package on the counter slowly like a fragile crystal case that was bound to shatter. She cringed when “P” turned around and smiled somewhat apologetically and lowered her eyes with sympathy. Yes, it was the sympathy that kept her indoors, made her avoid the eyes of the curious people who whispered about her heartbreak, who spent their time keeping their mouths busy with gossip. Unwanted sympathy, gossip and shame kept her hidden. Like a bitten wounded puppy she cowered away.
The feeling is always there. It never goes away. She still cry’s when she goes into places where they used to go. She broke down when she smelled his familiar aftershave on a passing stranger. She wept silently while she clutched her chest tightly in the dark lonely nights. She lived her life, expecting him to walk through her door each day, put his arms around her petite waist and tell her he’s sorry.
Is she weak for waiting for him to come back? Expecting him to miss her like she does? Or stupid for being so blind? Its pathetic... How can you still love someone so much even after they've hurt you, broke their promise to you then abondoned you? Left you out in the cold?
The diamond ring was still on her right hand finger. Well, Of course it is. She just thought of returning the wedding dress today. What, was she expected to delete his number from her cell phone and remove their photo together from the frame on her dresser as well?? She'd pretend she didn't hear it if someone mentioned anything... and on one occassion, she laughed hysterically.
Was it her fault she fell for him and paved her future for him? And believed him when he promised to "never let go"...?
Can she move on, forget, and love again?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I stepped inside the hospital at 8a.m. as instructed. It was empty and cold. Not a soul.. nobody behind the counter or in the waiting area. And I always thought hospitals are one of those crowded-never-sleeps places...
Why was I told to come so early then? oh yeah.. something about people who come first do the surgery first and get to leave sooner and get on with their life.
At 10a.m. when a nurse finally appeared yawning, she takes me to a small room with a single bed and broken TV (you'd think as a specialist eye hospital, they'd have radio's instead of TV's for their patients !) She hands me a gown to wear and starts looking for a vein to insert a canula in. The whole time I was shaking and couldn't sit down from nervousness. 3 hours later, am biting my nails and almost in tears and still... no surgery. I had a canula in one hand and some kinda "dye" injected in the other so "the doctor can see the blood vessels in ur eye during surgery" as the nurse put it.
At 3.30pm, I was fuming and snapping at everything and everyone, even my own family members. I strided out to the nurses station in my gown and bare feet and demanded that I have the surgery.... this was the response:
"Ohhh.. u're still here? we forgot all about u!! The doctor is not coming in today. He called and postponed his surgeries for next week...."
Angry was an understatement to describe what I felt that moment. Yet I couldn't help being relieved for a moment. On my way home, I laughed at those words that rang through my ears for a whole week, "Surgery... ASAP... risk blindness.."
The following week, The same scenario is repeated, except that no nurse came in to look for any veins in my arms coz the doctor doesn't need any dye to be injected etc.
I was seated on a round leather chair (wearing my own warm clothes, no gown!) in a dark room, facing a machine that looked like a camera from where I was sitting. After applying 3 eyedrops in my eyes, which all stung, a gel was squirted onto a lens which the doctor stuck on my eye. I saw a white light with a red dot in the middle. "zeeoooooooo" A fire was lit on my skull and an excruciating pain shot through my eyes to my teeth, zoomed past my forehead and settled somewhere at the back of my brain. And I heard a loud scream and a swear word. It turned out to be me. The doctor kept saying silly things like, "Hey, that was only one shot, am aiming for at least 1500, and stop being such a cry baby the laser is painless..."
"HOWA EH DAH ELY PAINLESS?? Don't SPEAK to me about pain!! How would U know? U come sit in this seat and I'll point that laser at ur eyes and shoot and then u can speak to me about pain !! 2al painless... "
Forgive me I will not publish here the exact conversation and my remarks to the doctor because it will be... just too rude. I wasn't myself. The pain was unbearable and that's all I can say.
I had to return the following week to "finish" what was started, because I couldn't take any more "laser shots" that day. The 2nd time I was more prepared and dug my nails deep into the nurses hand that held mine.
I hope no one goes through this pain or goes through any Egyptian healthcare facility. EVER
Why was I told to come so early then? oh yeah.. something about people who come first do the surgery first and get to leave sooner and get on with their life.
At 10a.m. when a nurse finally appeared yawning, she takes me to a small room with a single bed and broken TV (you'd think as a specialist eye hospital, they'd have radio's instead of TV's for their patients !) She hands me a gown to wear and starts looking for a vein to insert a canula in. The whole time I was shaking and couldn't sit down from nervousness. 3 hours later, am biting my nails and almost in tears and still... no surgery. I had a canula in one hand and some kinda "dye" injected in the other so "the doctor can see the blood vessels in ur eye during surgery" as the nurse put it.
At 3.30pm, I was fuming and snapping at everything and everyone, even my own family members. I strided out to the nurses station in my gown and bare feet and demanded that I have the surgery.... this was the response:
"Ohhh.. u're still here? we forgot all about u!! The doctor is not coming in today. He called and postponed his surgeries for next week...."
Angry was an understatement to describe what I felt that moment. Yet I couldn't help being relieved for a moment. On my way home, I laughed at those words that rang through my ears for a whole week, "Surgery... ASAP... risk blindness.."
The following week, The same scenario is repeated, except that no nurse came in to look for any veins in my arms coz the doctor doesn't need any dye to be injected etc.
I was seated on a round leather chair (wearing my own warm clothes, no gown!) in a dark room, facing a machine that looked like a camera from where I was sitting. After applying 3 eyedrops in my eyes, which all stung, a gel was squirted onto a lens which the doctor stuck on my eye. I saw a white light with a red dot in the middle. "zeeoooooooo" A fire was lit on my skull and an excruciating pain shot through my eyes to my teeth, zoomed past my forehead and settled somewhere at the back of my brain. And I heard a loud scream and a swear word. It turned out to be me. The doctor kept saying silly things like, "Hey, that was only one shot, am aiming for at least 1500, and stop being such a cry baby the laser is painless..."
"HOWA EH DAH ELY PAINLESS?? Don't SPEAK to me about pain!! How would U know? U come sit in this seat and I'll point that laser at ur eyes and shoot and then u can speak to me about pain !! 2al painless... "
Forgive me I will not publish here the exact conversation and my remarks to the doctor because it will be... just too rude. I wasn't myself. The pain was unbearable and that's all I can say.
I had to return the following week to "finish" what was started, because I couldn't take any more "laser shots" that day. The 2nd time I was more prepared and dug my nails deep into the nurses hand that held mine.
I hope no one goes through this pain or goes through any Egyptian healthcare facility. EVER
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Ta7t el Yasmina...
تحت الياسمينة
في الليل......نسمة والورد محاذيني الأغصان عليا تــــميل......تمسحلي في دمعة عيني
*** تحت الياسمينة اتكيت ......عدلت الـــعود وغنيت وتناطر دمعي وبكيت......تفكرتك كيف كنت تجيني
*** جنينة مزينها النوار......فاحت من ريحت الأزهار تفكرتك شعــــلت النار......عملت لهليبة في كنيني
*** تحت الياسمينة
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Just another reason to hate doctors even more...
I hate doctors. I despise them. Almost got married to one. But even before we met and during our 2 year relationship/brief engagement, I never failed to express how much I hate doctors. They never have something good to say, and no matter how good (or absolutley depressed) u felt when u first walked into the office or clinic; u'll always leave on the verge of tears, considering suicide as an easier option, thinking about ur will or all of the above combined.
2 weeks ago, I reluctantly dragged my legs from where I live to the optic clinic 200 m away. I needed a new prescription for my specs because things were kinda... fuzzy. Or so i thought.
After waiting for an hour and 20 mins (thats typical in Egypt) the nurse finally ushered me into the tiny office with the black leather chair facing the board marked "E". She shut the door behind her and left me alone with a beaming tall white-coated man who seemed to have plastered his smile on his round face. Is it irnoic that every eye doctor I see wears glasses? Well... to keep a long story short... After several minutes of flashing lights, silly questions about my psychological state (and my sanity) and a little hesitation ... He fianlly said cheerfully,
"Okay, so here's the thing.... (Gave me alot of medical jibberish...)"
"Eh?? bil 3araby ya3ny eh? (in arabic plzz..)"
" *cough* Well... u don't need new glasses, u have a blood vessel called an ARTERY, at the back of ur eye called RETINA, thats bleeding and abnormal vessels have grown instead which makes u see blurry images and sometimes dark black spots, this is easily fixed with a laser surgery when discovered before u actually reach the blindness stage, coz once u r blind its uncurable, unfixable, irreversible...and..."
"NA3AM?! blind? did u just say blind? who's gonna be blind? no u don't understand, I just need NEW glasses! a prescription... begad thats all!" I was laughing nervously and fighting the stinging tears, and trying to get out of the chair and make a run for it...
"Yes, you will be blind in 2 months, because u seemed to be in the late stages of this condition, so the surgery must be done ASAP.. of course u'll have to go through a series of tests, and MRI's so we can have a better....."
At this point I just switched off and watched his lips move as he spoke with the smile still plastered... and of course, my imagination started to picture my life as a blind young woman, how will I ever draw or paint again? How will I depend on others for everything I do, what life will I have? Will suicide be a temptation for me once AGAIN?
So I ended up with potential blindness instead of changing my specs (which I hoped would be Channel this time since my father is paying)... I arrived home in shock and kept this information for myself for 3 days before telling my family who started to think I enjoyed walking around bumping into things accidently...
My vision got worse, and they hurt when I cried (I did that alot because I had just been dumped by my doctor-fiance) and watching TV was aching, reading was impossible and going online could be a little dazing but I still did because its all I had left to do. I quit my job and stayed home waiting for the 7 days to pass quickly before the day of the surgery....
2 weeks ago, I reluctantly dragged my legs from where I live to the optic clinic 200 m away. I needed a new prescription for my specs because things were kinda... fuzzy. Or so i thought.
After waiting for an hour and 20 mins (thats typical in Egypt) the nurse finally ushered me into the tiny office with the black leather chair facing the board marked "E". She shut the door behind her and left me alone with a beaming tall white-coated man who seemed to have plastered his smile on his round face. Is it irnoic that every eye doctor I see wears glasses? Well... to keep a long story short... After several minutes of flashing lights, silly questions about my psychological state (and my sanity) and a little hesitation ... He fianlly said cheerfully,
"Okay, so here's the thing.... (Gave me alot of medical jibberish...)"
"Eh?? bil 3araby ya3ny eh? (in arabic plzz..)"
" *cough* Well... u don't need new glasses, u have a blood vessel called an ARTERY, at the back of ur eye called RETINA, thats bleeding and abnormal vessels have grown instead which makes u see blurry images and sometimes dark black spots, this is easily fixed with a laser surgery when discovered before u actually reach the blindness stage, coz once u r blind its uncurable, unfixable, irreversible...and..."
"NA3AM?! blind? did u just say blind? who's gonna be blind? no u don't understand, I just need NEW glasses! a prescription... begad thats all!" I was laughing nervously and fighting the stinging tears, and trying to get out of the chair and make a run for it...
"Yes, you will be blind in 2 months, because u seemed to be in the late stages of this condition, so the surgery must be done ASAP.. of course u'll have to go through a series of tests, and MRI's so we can have a better....."
At this point I just switched off and watched his lips move as he spoke with the smile still plastered... and of course, my imagination started to picture my life as a blind young woman, how will I ever draw or paint again? How will I depend on others for everything I do, what life will I have? Will suicide be a temptation for me once AGAIN?
So I ended up with potential blindness instead of changing my specs (which I hoped would be Channel this time since my father is paying)... I arrived home in shock and kept this information for myself for 3 days before telling my family who started to think I enjoyed walking around bumping into things accidently...
My vision got worse, and they hurt when I cried (I did that alot because I had just been dumped by my doctor-fiance) and watching TV was aching, reading was impossible and going online could be a little dazing but I still did because its all I had left to do. I quit my job and stayed home waiting for the 7 days to pass quickly before the day of the surgery....
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2008:
I bid you farewell…
You started out fine and ended in the worst possible ways I could’ve imagined, when I asked myself “could things get any worse?” they just did.
2008, I welcomed u while I was asleep. It was a cold winter and I had no place to be except under the warm covers of my bed.
My birthday in late March was one of a kind, and was the last happy memory in you. Everything that followed, caused nothing but pain, loss and regret.
Bad news was your best friend my dear 2008 while hopes and dreams were buried in your graveyard.
I doubted myself and questioned my being while you insisted that your best friend keeps visiting me.
The pain I endured was unbearable and one that had left me weak… so weak I couldn’t even see whats right from wrong. Or tell a friend from foe. I was like a bent old woman who held on to her walking stick while clutching her back, her wrinkled eyes shut with pain, while the fire within burnt her alive as she slowly crawled into a pit... (sigh!)
Goodbye 2008 and I promise to remember the good times, the laughter and sweet joyful heart leaps that my heart usually danced…
Farewell
I bid you farewell…
You started out fine and ended in the worst possible ways I could’ve imagined, when I asked myself “could things get any worse?” they just did.
2008, I welcomed u while I was asleep. It was a cold winter and I had no place to be except under the warm covers of my bed.
My birthday in late March was one of a kind, and was the last happy memory in you. Everything that followed, caused nothing but pain, loss and regret.
Bad news was your best friend my dear 2008 while hopes and dreams were buried in your graveyard.
I doubted myself and questioned my being while you insisted that your best friend keeps visiting me.
The pain I endured was unbearable and one that had left me weak… so weak I couldn’t even see whats right from wrong. Or tell a friend from foe. I was like a bent old woman who held on to her walking stick while clutching her back, her wrinkled eyes shut with pain, while the fire within burnt her alive as she slowly crawled into a pit... (sigh!)
Goodbye 2008 and I promise to remember the good times, the laughter and sweet joyful heart leaps that my heart usually danced…
Farewell
The battle
The battle
Everyday people get up and start their daily routine. This routine varies from one to another but nevertheless hopes and dreams are always set and the individual will strive towards it with all their might. Never mind their intention of this goal, whether it was for an evil purpose or good-willed. But in these many people there is bound to be the odd one out with a broken heart or a difficulty that’s an obstacle in the way, not necessarily stopping, but delaying this person from their purpose in life.
My battle was with life. My battle to get up and start my daily routine like all people. It was difficult to get up and start the day knowing that my every dream had come to a halt. I lost all ability to look forward onto life or even carry on living. For many days and nights I lay in bed, oblivious to my surroundings, wondering what’s keeping me so long in a place I didn’t want to be in… a place where I had no dream or vision.
I had my eyes shut and counted my fainting heart beats then slowly opened my eyelids just to stare into an empty space and start counting how many breathes I took.
Everyday people get up and start their daily routine. This routine varies from one to another but nevertheless hopes and dreams are always set and the individual will strive towards it with all their might. Never mind their intention of this goal, whether it was for an evil purpose or good-willed. But in these many people there is bound to be the odd one out with a broken heart or a difficulty that’s an obstacle in the way, not necessarily stopping, but delaying this person from their purpose in life.
My battle was with life. My battle to get up and start my daily routine like all people. It was difficult to get up and start the day knowing that my every dream had come to a halt. I lost all ability to look forward onto life or even carry on living. For many days and nights I lay in bed, oblivious to my surroundings, wondering what’s keeping me so long in a place I didn’t want to be in… a place where I had no dream or vision.
I had my eyes shut and counted my fainting heart beats then slowly opened my eyelids just to stare into an empty space and start counting how many breathes I took.
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